Instant Gravy

Soap Slide

2008-12-02T09:17:00.003-06:00

Ok, fine, I guess I'm a kid at heart. Just admit it, though: this looks pretty awesome no matter how old you are (artwork aside). It's essentially just several sections of plastic channels that can be stuck to your bathroom walls with suction cups. Add a little water, toss in a bar of soap (bonus points if the soap is carved to look like a stunt car!) and suddenly you've got hours of fun no matter how old you are. I want a setup with a couple loops. And maybe a ring of fire.

Oh yeah, if you click on the picture you can check out the sheer excitement on the kid's face in detail.

How to Split a Restaurant Check

2008-11-26T13:48:00.002-06:00

U.S. Patent No. 7,457,767 (.pdf)

Issued yesterday (Nov. 25th), this is possibly the stupidest patent that I've seen in a while. And to think, this one was patented by IBM! Here's how it works (as so artfully shown in the flow chart - click the image to enlarge): you and your friends finish up a dinner at a restaurant, the waiter brings out the bill, and each person wants to pay separately. Everyone figures out how much of the total (plus gratuities!) they need to pay, and the waiter charges each person's credit card separately until the bill is paid. The end. Patent granted.

Why on earth would anyone ever want/allow this to be patented? The only reason that I can think of is that it's commentary from IBM's R&D department. Could it be that, with all the economic woes, they aren't paid enough and therefore have to split bar tabs? And come up with patently stupid patents like this one to meet their yearly quotas?

Pet Display Clothing

2008-11-20T14:31:00.002-06:00

U.S. Patent No. 5,901,666 (.pdf)

Every hamster owner out there wants to take their hamster out for a walk in the park, but how do you do that? With an article of Pet Display Clothing, of course! Using soft, vinyl "pet receiving" tubing, you can make a vest that puts your hamster, rat, mouse or other rodent on display for everyone else at the park to marvel over. You could even wear your vest to a party and be all like "Yo, any gangstas wanna check out dis here HAMSTER?" Oh, you'll be all the rage!

Facial Muscle Conditioning Device

2008-11-18T13:38:00.004-06:00

U.S. Patent No. 3,091,237 (.pdf)

I'm sharing this one more because of the drawing than anything else, but it is a prime example of a "medical" device that doesn't make much sense in its usefulness. But isn't that the case with most "Seen On TV" exercisers? This one is an inflatable balloon that you stick between your lips and teeth. Then you inflate it, and either massage your "facial muscles" with your fingers, or take the lazy route and just inflate/deflate over and over again. Supposedly it'll increase blood circulation and cure all of your self-image issues. Personally, I think the inventor was full of hot air and you'll just be wasting the low rate of $9.99 a month for the next two years.

Hands Free Towel Carrying System

2008-11-14T11:57:00.003-06:00

U.S. Patent No. 6,718,554 (.pdf)

Another fine example of a Penetrating Glimpse of the Obvious. This invention is essentially just a towel with an elastic loop sewn into one end so that you can wear it around your neck while you work out, but somehow the attorneys in charge of writing up the description managed to crank out a mini-novel. If anything, it sounds a lot like the inventor sent some sample towels, and the legal firm that handled the patenting is run by a bunch of engineers who know absolutely nothing about sewing and thought that written diarrhea would take care of filling all the holes in their understanding. Like this, for example: the towel, they insist several times (many many times actually - at least four times on the first page of the description, another two times on the second, and here and there throughout the rest) serves the purpose of "coupling a towel to a user to prevent loss, theft and contamination".

Seriously, I think these guys need a Nobel prize in literature for stopping towel loss, theft and contamination in such an erudite manner.

Method of Exercising a Cat

2008-11-12T13:33:00.003-06:00

U.S. Patent No. 5,443,036 (.pdf)

Here's a classic example of what my dad would call a PGO: a Penetrating Glimpse of the Obvious. If you've never thought of using a laser pointer as a cat toy then, well, you've probably never seen a laser pointer or a cat before. As the inventors so eruditely point out, cats like to chase moving lights, and laser pointers can be used as (oh my god!) moving lights. Put the two together aaaannnndddd... yeah, your cat runs around and gets some exercise. Try reading it twice if you need some time to wrap your head around the concepts at heart here - they're pretty deep.

And don't forget, the next time you try to make money off of teaching your friends to use a laser pointer to mess with their cats, a lawsuit sits right around the corner.

Glove for Holding Hands

2008-11-11T15:32:00.002-06:00

U.K. Patent no. 2,221,607 (.pdf)

As it gets colder outside, this is the time of year that every couple encounters the age-old dilemma of how to hold hands during the winter. Do you leave your gloves on and pass the opportunity to truly touch your significant other's hand? Or do you take your gloves off, and follow up with a visit to the doctor to stop the frostbite?

OR... do you make sure to leave the house with one of these handy two-for-one gloves? Being the reasonable lover you are, the choice is obviously number three. Not only will your hands stay warm, but you'll walk palm-to-palm, feeling the warmth of bliss as the rest of your body slowly freezes.

Car Driven From The Back Seat

2008-10-12T19:07:00.002-05:00

U.K. Patent No. 1,394,639 (.pdf)

Patented by the same guy who gave us the way to put the cart before the horse (see last blog post), here's a car made for back-seat drivers. We've all had to deal with them before - hell, maybe we've all been them before, too, so here's a handy solution. Make a front-drive car with a steering wheel in the back-seat. Voila! Problem solved.

But there's more to it than just giving the back-seat control. For one, as Mr. Pedrick points out, the back seat is elevated so that the driver can see better before - and more particularly - behind. Makes street parking all the easier. Plus, he puts a pair of front tires in that, with a little modding, can be turned into caterpillar tracks. With paddles. Then, fit the rear-steering tires to look like rudders, and you've got a boat-car. Driven from the back seat. Ingenious, huh?

Horse-Driven Car

2008-09-10T11:57:00.003-05:00

U.K Patent No. 1,405,575 (.pdf)

In response to the energy crisis of the '70's, Mr. Arthur Pedrick invented a device for "Propelling Automobiles Without Using Petrol, or Gasolene". Looking past the very artfully "scientific" title, this patent looks a bit more like a way to "put the cart before the horse", as they say (and, in fact, as Mr. Pedrick jokes later in the paper). After lamenting about how the "complete solution" to the energy crisis - therm0-nuclear hydrogen fusion power plants running off sea-water - are too far off to solve immediate problems, Pedrick describes a way to get a horse to push a car. As you can see in the artful diagram, there's a cart full of feed (2) in front of the horse (4), just barely beyond its mouth. Using hydraulics, the driver can control how close to the feed cart the horse can get and thereby control the speed at which the horse pushes. There's also mention of connecting the car's starter to an electrode placed on the horse's ass: think of it as spurs to get a little more juice. Plus, Pedrick mentions that you could put speakers next to the horse's ears, and use them to say "Gee-Up" or put on music such as "The Teddy bear's Picnic" with a fast tempo for the horse to march to. And of course, there's a water-proof cover to keep your horse dry.

Honda, forget about the hybrid. THIS is the solution to oil dependency!

Ladder for Trapped Spiders

2008-09-04T12:09:00.002-05:00

UK Patent No. 2,272,154 (.pdf)

Here's a short patent from the UK that fits very nicely into the "wow, how, er, unique?" section. Spiders, you see, get stuck in tubs. They have trouble crawling out because there isn't much for them to hold onto. Solution? Make a tiny rubber ladder for them to use! Say goodbye to that guilty feeling of washing your eight-legged friends down the drain when you go to take a shower in the morning. It really is quite inventive... I'd buy one. Somehow, I doubt that anyone will ever make these, though.

Cheese Cigarette Filter

2008-09-03T11:03:00.004-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 3,234,948 (.pdf)

The title of this patent seems to imply that the cigarettes in question are made specifically for smokers of the Wisconsin variety, but there actually is more method to the madness described than just taste and smell. Stebbings goes into excruciating detail about what cheeses are suitable - Parmesan, Romano or Swiss - what grating mesh size for both the cheeses and the charcoal used, and even what percentage of butter fat in the cheese is ideal. Read through all of that and the description of the oh-so complex drawing, and you'll eventually come across a paragraph that enumerates the real reason for using cheese in a cigarette filter: by using Parmesan "it has been found possible to remove 61 to 89 percent of the tars", whereas "sixty-one percent is equivalent to the best commercial filter presently available".

Evidently, cheese is useful for more than just flavor and stench.

Trash Can Chair

2008-08-14T13:55:00.004-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 4,387,927 (.pdf)

The next time you need classy, waterproof outdoor seating just grab the nearest trash can and some metal shears. Well, maybe not all that classy, but given some embellishment it could be! This patent's directions are quite direct and to the point; everything is covered from what size can to use, what to cut and where, and how to keep the whole shebang together and padded for extra comfort. Perfect for a back-alley bistro.

Backup Shoelace Holder

2008-08-12T11:41:00.002-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 3,529,367 (.pdf)

Don't let broken laces tie up your schedule: all you need is to carry one of these emergency shoelaces glued to the arch of every heeled shoe you wear and you'll be back on your feet within moments.

Combined Plow and Gun

2008-08-08T10:42:00.002-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 35,600 (.pdf)

Plowing is hard work, particularly on the "border localities, subject to savage feuds and guerrilla warfare." But sleep peacefully, farmers, because with this plow you will no longer be robbed when "engaged in a peaceful avocation". And best of all, you can plow while it's loaded with live munitions! Fill it with black powder and buckshot, then hitch the oxen, plow away, and the next time those savages jump you just unhitch the oxen and fire at will. The bonus is the fact that your plow will already be stuck in the ground, giving it extra support.

I like to think of this as the farmer's cannon; just try to make sure that your oxen aren't at the receiving end when the shot rings 'round the field.

Combination Clothes Brush, Flask, Drinking Cup

2008-08-07T09:52:00.005-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 490,964 (.pdf)

Designed for the distinguished businessman who likes his alcohol (and which ones don't?), a combination clothes brush, flask and drinking cup is described herein. Reading into the description a bit indicates that the desire was to make the flask slim enough that the block on the brush isn't oversized, which, in other words, means that you can't tell there's a flask on the brush. You can, therefore, freely sip your alcohol below the radar of, perhaps, your superiors. No wonder it's tradition nowadays for suits to go to work tipsy. At least their jackets look professional!

Money Cake

2008-08-05T09:48:00.004-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 5,843,551 (.pdf)

Happy birthday to me! If you'd like to make me a cake, feel free to make this one. As for the currency inside, how about hundred dollar bills? That's not too much to ask, right?

Pat on the Back Apparatus

2008-08-01T12:03:00.002-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 4,608,967 (.pdf)

Good job! You deserve a pat on the back for navigating to my blog. Oh, wait, can't reach your back? Well, here's a back-patter that will do the job for you! What's the use, you ask? According to the patent's description, "Such an arrangement may provide the needed psychological lift to allow a person to overcome some of the 'valleys' of emotional life in a highly technicalized society that often postpones the level of immediate personal approval desirable for continued accomplishment." There's something about that statement that stinks of hypocrisy - maybe that you're using technology to overcome the technicalized society? Or perhaps it's the idea of using a tool to do something so personal? Shouldn't you use yourself and nothing but yourself to congratulate yourself?

Eh, whatever, it's a novel invention, and the description is very well written; going into a plethora of descriptions of useful situations where a pat on the back is needed, and above all else why it's needed.

Pillow Crash Helmet

2008-07-30T13:38:00.002-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 3,538,508 (.pdf)

Building off the idea of the courtesy pillows handed out on airplanes, the inventor of this patent had the brilliant idea of making a courtesy pillow that folds in half. In the event of a crash, the folded pillow can be put over the passenger's head, and strapped on under the chin. Gosh, wouldn't that make you feel safe? For some reason I thought that people moved past the idea of using pillows as helmets somewhere between preschool and first grade... I guess not. If nothing else, the pillow helmet could be used as a crowd control device: the passengers won't be able to see all the luggage and body parts flying through the air around them.

Herb Cleaner Record Cover

2008-07-29T13:32:00.002-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 4,101,028 (.pdf)

The inventor, it seems, did a lot of "natural herb" cleaning, and found that record covers work the best for cleaning "natural herbs". There's always room for improvement, though, so here's a record cover that's designed both for protecting your vinyl, but also for use as a platform for "natural herb" cleaning. Open it up, let your record spin on the turntable, and use the left half to hold the "natural herbs" without spillage and the right half as a funnel to put "impurities" (read: stems and seeds) into. Follow the directions and you should have some clean "natural herbs" to, say, roll into a doobie once it's time to turn the record over.

Keyhole Finder

2008-07-28T10:16:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 2,632,266 (.pdf)

The next time you misplace your keyhole you'll kick yourself - unless you're using one of these fine inventions, in which case you'll never lose a keyhole again! The idea's simple: take a piece of paper, put a circle of felt/fabric on it (3 in the diagram), and cut a hole in the middle of the fabric. Now, paste the piece of paper over the keyhole. There's no explanation why you need the fabric - maybe it's just to make the paper marker last longer? Whatever; loss is has now become a feeling that will be felt nevermore. As a bonus, the keyhole finder doubles as a business card/advertisement. Suddenly, the possibilities become limitless!

Nose-Shaper

2008-07-25T09:24:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 850,978 (.pdf)

According to the description of the Nose-Shaper, "The noses of a great many persons are slightly deformed, and therefore... the face is more or less disfigured." Wow! It seems like we're all pretty ugly! Ain't that horrible... thankfully there's a solution to all of our ugly problems. According to the inventor, all it takes is constant pressure on the nose to shape it to perfection. Wear one of these super-sexy nose-shapers, and your face will look something like the model's in the diagram. Pretty hot, huh? It only takes a little bit of dedication... well, actually, quite a lot: "a continuous use will soon be found to re-form or reshape the nose into its normal lines." Wear it in bed! Wear it to work! Wear it to the beach! Soon the world will be very envious of your new, perfect nose.

That is, after they stop shunning you for looking like a moron.

Combination Bird Trap and Cat Feeder

2008-07-24T09:31:00.002-05:00

U.S. Patent 4,150,505 (.pdf)

Think of it as McDonald's for cats. This trap is intended to "continuously [supply] a cat or neighborhood cats with sparrows to eat." Supposedly engineered specifically for sparrows (who, according to the inventor are overpopulated and pose a threat to the world at large), a bird enters the top of the trap thinking it's on a tree branch and then falls down the chute into a box with a wire-mesh. Dinner is served.

I'm willing to bet quite a lot that the SPCA would flip shit if this trap was ever mass-produced and used, though. See, the mesh enclosing the bottom of the trap is only big enough for the bird's head to fit through. Supposedly, the cat will figure out how to extract the whole bird, but come on! Chances are that you'll probably wind up with a box full of headless sparrows.

Dust Cover for Dog

2008-07-23T09:31:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 3,150,641 (.pdf)

The title of this patent is pretty misleading. Sure, the invention could be used to keep dust off the dog, but that's not quite the use the inventor intended. The intention was to make a body bag for a dog so that, when you're treating it for fleas, you can keep pesticide in its fur without getting pesticide all over the place. So, it's more a bag for keeping dust on the dog. It seems pretty barbaric nowadays to use dust pesticides on a dog - what happens if you/the dog breathes in said dust? - but whatever, we ain't in the 60's, Toto. Luckily, keeping pesticide on your dog isn't the only use for the body bag; it also includes a hole that you can plug the "hose of a conventional hair dryer" (again, blast from the past! Hair dryers don't come with hoses any more) to dry your dog off after a bath. Just imagine what the dog would look like afterward! All the static would, without a doubt, result in an epic afro-with-legs.

Life Saving Apparatus

2008-07-22T10:13:00.002-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 1,143,835 (.pdf)

If you're ever in a life-threatening situation, all you need to survive is the Life Saving Apparatus described in the above patent. Falling? Keep your arms open and you've got a parachute. Falling into water? The jacket has inflated air pockets to keep you floating. Falling head first? A helmet with a huge spring will bounce you back upright (while the shoulder supports fracture your collarbone). Evidently the inventor had a phobia of falling, because everything's covered aside from bouncing shoes. But honestly, did the inventor really expect us to wear these goofy suits around all the time, Just-In-Case? From the diagram it looks like Mr. Model would have some issues walking around, what with the radius of the parachute being longer than his legs. Luckily, he's wearing a helmet to break the fall of his first step!

Helicopter Pogo Stick

2008-07-21T10:04:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 3,467,375 (.pdf)

If the gas powered pogo stick wasn't enough, this one takes the pogo to yet another level. Although the power in this one is a little less explosive, consider it more environmentally friendly, and free to ride. In this case jumping up and down drives a propeller, which (in theory) makes your hop last a little bit longer. Add a wheel on the bottom end of the stick, and you can suddenly go places that have never been imagined before. The description suggests that the helicopter pogo stick works best on a hillside, and posits that you could replace the wheel with a ski, and suddenly pogo-ing during the winter becomes reality. Snow or no, the only issue that I can imagine is this: don't the laws of physics say that you'd wind up spinning in the opposite direction from the propeller? Maybe that would just add a little bit more excitement to each hop. And puking when you try to get off.

How To Grow a Unicorn

2008-07-18T09:27:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 4,429,685 (.pdf)

I thought that this patent would delve into elves, warlocks, and some druids, but lo and behold, it's rather educating! As it turns out, horn buds aren't initially attached to the skulls of new-born cattle/antelopes/sheep/goats. For a week they grow in the skin, with no connection to the bone. That gives you seven days to whip out the scalpel, do some incisions following the origami-esque diagrams, stitch everything back up, and now you've got mythology growing right in front of you. As a bonus, your surgery will "render a unicorn of higher intelligence", although, as is noted later, that conclusion hasn't been proven (see col. 3, line 41).

Gas Powered Pogo Stick

2008-07-17T09:58:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 2,929,459 (.pdf)

Life got you down? Need more bounce in your step? Pogo sticks too hard to use? Here's the answer to all of your problems! Thanks to this pogo stick with an internal combustion engine you can now rocket over all of your problems. Launch to the moon with a single jump. Blast off into new dimensions of happiness! You might want to wear a parachute, though, just for the sake of safety.

Fishing Apparatus

2008-07-16T13:53:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 515,001 (.pdf)

Here's one for all the fishers out there. As you can see in the diagram, fish find themselves skinny and, when facing their reflection, are much more likely to eat. In this respect they're completely the opposite of humans. All you need to do to catch the skinny fishes is to put a mirror behind your bait and wait for them to gobble away. Pretty simple, huh? (Actually, the reasoning behind this one has nothing to do with self-conscious fish, but more with aggression. You get the point, though... there isn't really one, aside for inside the bait, on the end of the hook.)

Chopstick Fork

2008-07-15T12:27:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 4,809,435 (.pdf)

Chopsticks can be pretty hard to use if you've never used them before. Let's say that on a hot date you're faced by the fact that you simply have to use chopsticks, or you'll never have a chance getting anywhere with him/her. Sadly, your chopstick skills are rudimentary, to say the least. What are you going to do? Give up and go home? Or... you could pull out your chopstick fork! Thanks to the chopstick-like handle, you can fork away your food and your date will have no idea that you can't chopstick to save your life.

Or you could just look like an idiot using these things. But hey, the Mission Impossible team managed to pull all sorts of special gadgets out of nowhere in the middle of a crowded restaurants and still look suave talking into their telephone shoes. Now you can look suave, too!

Stick and Ring Game

2008-07-11T10:45:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 2,479,956 (.pdf)

The name of the game ("Z-O-O-L-U") is racist as hell, but this one looks pretty fun. The gist of the deal is that you hold the ends of a stick with a wooden ring on it between your upper lip and nose. The other player holds the stick in the same way, and you try to wrestle the stick and ring from your opponent without touching or dropping any of the pieces. As described, "The game lends itself to the promulgation of laugh-provoking rules, names for the players and play-stimulating phrases or slogans." The inventor was very kind to provide examples of said rules, names and slogans, all of which are even more racist than the game's name to begin with - but hey, this was invented back in the 40's, before Racism became a household name. If only this game had caught on! I'd love to get a group to play it.

Nurturing Treelets Using Dead People

2008-07-10T09:43:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 5,799,488 (.pdf)

According to the background of this invention, "For more than a million years, humans have been fascinated by the beauty of trees and plants", and, "For possibly more than ten million years, humans have had traumatic problems in coping with... the death of a loved relative." Stop the presses! In 1998 history was changed in a momentous way. It was on September 1, 1998, that mankind finally realized that you could plant trees using the remains of dead people as fertilizer. Every cake needs some icing, so how about putting a plaque on the tree saying that it was planted in Mr. XY or Mrs. XX's memory? Wow! I thought mankind was creative, but the fact that it took "possibly more than ten million years" to put the pieces of that puzzle together is pretty damn incredible. What the hell were we thinking for all those millenia?

That having been said, this patent is a pretty hilarious read.

Fire Escape Wings

2008-07-09T10:11:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 912,152 (.pdf)

Here's another fire escape mechanism that boggles the mind. Did the inventor ever actually try to use these wings? The picture is unusually artistic, but being able to draw someone flying out of a burning building and actually flying out of a fire yourself are two completely different abilities. Icarus easily comes to mind in a rather sick way when reading this patent. Using these wings guarantees you a fate just like Icarus: falling to your death. The only difference is that you won't be melting; you'll be on fire.

Anti-Eating Facemask

2008-07-08T11:19:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 4,344,424 (.pdf)

And now... for the macabre. Here's one that, if anything, must have been designed by a very bitter restaurant owner: an owner with a big problem revolving around the kitchen workers eating too much of the food they prepare. According to the description, this is a large problem for every kitchen. Don't despair, chefs! Thanks to this gruesome invention, you can keep your workers from eating anything at all. Padlock a mask to your worker's mouth, and no food will go missing. (Good luck finding any workers who will put up with wearing one of these things every day, though.)

Dimple Producer

2008-07-07T10:22:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 560,351 (.pdf)

Dimples have always been sexy, and thanks to this device you can have some, too! Using nothing but a simple machine, you can drill dimples into your face/buttocks/forearms just like a drill puts holes in wood. Your new dimples might not last any longer than the typical bruise, but hey, might as well add them to the beauty arsenal. Who knows, maybe there's somebody out there that just loves volcano-like bruises.

Attack Prevention Method

2008-07-03T10:46:00.002-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 5,137,176 (.pdf)

Self defense has been an issue in everybody's primal mind since mankind developed aggression. There are many different approaches, from karate to Mace to brass knuckles, but here's one that stands unique when you're faced by an assailant. Not only is it compact and easy to carry, it requires virtually no physical motion beyond putting a pill in your mouth. And if the pill was already in your mouth... no motion at all! The one requirement, though, is an ability for precision spitting (otherwise known as gleeking to grade schoolers). Here's how it works: put a capsule containing strong acid in your mouth, bite said capsule, and gleek said acid into the eyes of your attacker. Situation solved! Just make sure you don't swallow any acid. And that you hit your assailant in the eyes. Pretty simple, huh?

Balloon Propulsion System

2008-07-02T11:49:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 363,037 (.pdf)

Remember back in the day when the whole world was abuzz with systems to guide hot air balloons? Neither do I. But evidently it was quite the thing back before the Wright brothers took to the skies. This patent isn't all that terribly funny, per se, but the key to success in this one is worth a laugh. Typically, the wind is the sole guide for balloons. Not this one, though! Forget about the wind, how about using birds? But of course, parakeets are too small and just won't do it. You need large birds, like eagles or vultures! There you go. Now there's finally a use for all of those eagles you've been keeping around for all of these years.

Flaming Trumpet

2008-06-23T09:50:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 4,247,283 (.pdf)

Pyrotechnics are awesome when incorporated into a rock concert, as anyone who has been to a Kiss show can happily assert. Unfortunately they lack something: location. It's nice when they're shooting off behind the stage, or in front of the stage, but how about having them actually on the stage, in the middle of the band? Thanks to this wonderful invention, the necessary technology is finally here! It is, essentially, a gas cartridge rigged to emit from inside the bell of a trumpet (although it would work perfectly fine on any other instrument, for that matter) with a valve connected to control the gas emission, and a spark to light said gas on fire. Hit the final chord of a song, press the valve and presto! Instant flame thrower! Jazz just got hotter than ever before! Just make sure that the bell isn't pointed toward your stand; the chart for the next number (and probably the entire stand, too!) will turn into a pile of ash before you resolve the chord.

Ear Protectors

2008-06-20T10:40:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 4,233,942 (.pdf)

With drawings a little too silly not to laugh at, this invention sets the bar for utilitarian creativity. Cleaning dog food out of your puppy's ears is always a hassle, so having a self-contained support system for keeping those droopy ears out of the food bowl saves a lot of time and frustration. The only difficulty raised, though, is making sure that your dog is wearing them every time they go to eat or drink. Or that they don't go crazy trying to get the plastic tubes off their head! In the end, a solution might require using Pavlov's good old bell technique to make your dog's eating habits regular enough so that you can be there to put the tubes on and take them off. Perhaps the process of using this invention is warrant of its own patent? Oh woe to the difficult of feeding long-eared dogs!

How to Conceal Partial Baldness

2008-06-19T10:14:00.002-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 4,022,227 (.pdf)

There isn't all that much to be said about this patent; the ridiculousness of thinking that nobody before Mr. Smith had thought of combing hair over a bald spot to hide it puts this one into a category of its own. But who knows, perhaps there's some poor balding chap out there who has never seen a comb-over. Rest assured, thanks to fine-art diagrams and a very detailed description, you too can hide your shiny dome like a pro!

Electric Poison Extractor

2008-06-18T10:15:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 606,887 (.pdf)

Feeling poisoned? Before you have your stomach pumped, try this on for size! All you need is a battery, a couple of wires, and a "receptor". What on earth, you ask, is a "receptor"? Pretty simple, really: it's just a piece of whatever you're poisoned with. In the case of the picture above, it's a copper sheet that our poor, sickly patient has his feet firmly placed on. It seems that he was poisoned with copper, so the logical way to get rid of that copper is to electrocute him for a couple of sessions lasting roughly 30 minutes. According to the inventor, Mr. Campbell, the copper will be collected by the sheet. If you're poisoned by a vegetable you'd put your feet on a similar vegetable connected to the battery rather than a sheet of copper. Bad meat? Use a slab of beef! How's that for some classic, do-it-yourself medicine?

Honestly, though, I really don't think you should try this one out. Poisons will be your last worry as you're electrocuted; this patent seems more like a way of killing yourself than getting rid of any bad juju.

Rowcycle

2008-06-17T07:37:00.000-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 642,544 (.pdf)

Bicycling is good exercise. Rowing is good exercise, too, so how about combining the two? It might be a little difficult to balance (make that very difficult to balance), but if you've ever been in a rowing shell you'll understand what a fine art balancing between oarlocks is, regardless. Just stick the same idea on two wheels and... well, you have a uniquely strange mode of transportation. (A logical derivative that I'm a big fan of is the idea of a tandem rowcycle. Or maybe one with three or four seats? Takes the idea of a cycling team to a new level!)

Kit for Painting With A Baby's Posterior

2008-06-16T12:22:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 6,022,219 (.pdf)

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a Pollock? No, it's the result of using an "infant's posterior" as a rubber stamp. Thanks to the inventive kit disclosed herein, you can now make a "remembrance that results in a fine art end product which is not easily recognized as merely a remembrance." If keeping track of your child's height, or making a clay mold of their footprints is too cliché, then use your baby's ass as a rubber stamp to make something that nobody will ever recognize as representing your kid! The instructions are quite detailed, enumerating everything from what paints work best, how old your infant can be, and even how to hold your infant with attention to whether or not they have neck strength. Follow the steps and voilá! You've got yourself a masterpiece. And an infant's posterior to clean up.

Teeth Exercising Device

2008-06-13T09:16:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 1,466,559 (.pdf)

As is evident in the third paragraph of this invention, some people aren't very happy with cooked foods. In particular, the inventor of this device has issues with the fact that cooking softens food. Our teeth are, therefore, weak from the lack of chewing exercise. If anything, Mr. Purdy wasn't particularly interested in eating crackers or anything else that needs chewing. Instead, he posits that we should be using bite-contoured plates attached to springs which are then attached to either a wall or another person's bite-plate. Employing a regimen of short jerking motions, our teeth will become so strong that we will once again be able to tear through sheet metal, bricks or stone. (Well, he doesn't say anything about metal, bricks or stone, but he does sound very convinced that, assuming that your partner or the wall doesn't tear your teeth out of your head, the process of masticating will be rejuvenated to its natural, thrilling roots.)

Instant Face Lift

2008-06-12T09:56:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 4,995,379 (.pdf)

Heralded as "more natural looking, more comfortable to wear", it's amazing that this device hasn't put the "Nip/Tuck" TV show out of business. Who needs knives and doctors when all it takes is straps with adhesive tabs at the ends to stretch your face like saran wrap? Unfortunately, there are no details as to what adhesive to use. Perhaps super glue would come in handy? By the time the straps fall off, your face would be tighter than a drum! The only difficulty of holding your face back with straps, though, would be explaining your slightly Frankenstein-ian look when you're on a date.

Fire Escape Parachute

2008-06-11T09:19:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 221,855 (.pdf)

Fire escape apparatuses don't get much more ~~creative~~ ridiculous than this one. Guaranteed to work from "any height", you won't have to waste time by running down the stairs any more - even if you're only on the second floor. All you need to do is strap this parachute (which is reinforced with a metal ring around the top and therefore will stay open no matter what) to your head and put on the special overshoes with extra++ rubber soles for bounce. Then, throw yourself out of the window, and rest assured that the four- to five-foot diameter parachute will catch your fall and set you gently on your bouncy feet. And then come crashing down around you - if it hasn't already - thanks to the huge metal parachute opening ring. Brilliant, eh?

Unforgettable Umbrella Method

2008-06-09T11:51:00.002-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 4,887,543 (.pdf)

The world is a pretty forgetful place. We all leave our keys, our wallets and our umbrellas at restaurants every once in a while. Thanks to this patent, you'll never forget your umbrella again. Don't worry, it isn't a very difficult method, particularly after you've read the description that goes into exquisite detail. Of course, it does feel something like a reinvention of the wheel: in the end, the method described so carefully is just a coat check for umbrellas, to be used at the door of a restaurant/club/your house. The host takes your umbrella, gives you a keychain to be attached to your keys (which, of course, you'll never forget!) so that, should you forget about your umbrella, you know where to go to claim it when you go to unlock your car. Whew, now we can all sleep soundly without having to worry about getting our fancy dinner clothes any wetter in the rain!

Beerbrella

2008-06-07T16:37:00.002-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 6,637,447 (.pdf)

As the weather gets warmer, what could be more important than keeping your beer cool? When it's sunny outside, just a minute in the rays from above could make your beer flatter than Kansas. Thanks to this portable, miniature umbrella with a handy attachment system, you can keep your brews as cold as ice. Without any ice!

Greenhouse Helmet

2008-06-06T09:41:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 4,605,000 (.pdf)

Greenhouses teeming with plants are always enjoyable to be inside, and healthy, too! Thanks to the wonders of plant life, carbon dioxide is converted to oxygen, which, when breathed by a person is converted back into carbon dioxide. The cycle is endless. Now, wouldn't it be wonderful to have a portable greenhouse that you could stick your head inside whenever you needed some oxygen? Thanks to the greenhouse helmet, you can carry a greenhouse wherever you go. Surround yourself with greenery whenever the world becomes grey, drab and short on oxygen. Please note, however, that this helmet is not intended for use on a motorcycle. If you were to crash, you might wind up with a cactus in your eye.

Baby Patting Machine

2008-06-05T09:42:00.003-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 3,552,388 (.pdf)

Here's an excellent solution to the age-old problem of putting a baby to sleep. Best of all, it requires absolutely no work from the parents! All that you have to do is put your baby face-down in their crib and plug in the patter. Then you can go off to the bar and get trashed. You no longer have to worry about having a tired, cranky child waiting for you when you drag your wasted, lazy ass back home at 3am! Since the padded mitt will keep on rotating until you unplug it, your baby will be patted (or, if the motor's too strong, beaten) right back to sleep should they ever wake up during the night.

Unfortunately, though, this patent makes no effort to answer the question as to what happens if the baby turns around in the crib. It seems like the patting machine would, in such a case, turn into an automatic head whacker. What a great way to beat some sense into your kids without feeling any moral qualms, because you're not the one doing it!

Molded Fruit

2008-06-04T09:35:00.000-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 4,827,666 (.pdf)

Not to be confused with the molding fruit that has been sitting at the back of your fridge for a month, here's a patent that discloses, in great detail, the process of making and using a mold to shape fruit into unique shapes. Unique as in a zucchini shaped like Clark Gable, complete with a mustache. Thanks to a very witty and well-written description done by a gardener who has obviously spent a lot of time developing a fruity sleight-of-hand, you too can chop Clark Gable up and put him into a salad if you follow the instructions. All it will take is an injection-molded sheet of transparent, ultraviolet stabilized butyrate - but hey, if you can grow a zucchini, surely you can figure out injection-molding, too.

Greyhound Saddle

2008-06-03T09:22:00.000-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 1,926,420 (.pdf)

Technology has always had an eye toward miniaturization, and here's a good example. Just imagine miniature horse racing with miniature jockeys! The only problem is that miniature race horses aren't all that small. Fortunately, there's already a substitute that has proved its raciness: the greyhound. But what jockey is small enough to ride a greyhound? Aside from putting ads out looking for midgets under two feet tall who weigh less than 50 lbs., there's only one other option: monkeys! Just put your monkey in a jacket and a racing cap, pop him/her into this specialized harness, and voila! The Kentucky derby just became small enough to take home in a minivan.

A nice bonus is that your dog will probably be scared shitless of the monkey strapped to his back and will, therefore, run ten times faster.

Tricycle Lawnmower

2008-06-02T12:12:00.000-05:00

U.S. Patent No. 4,455,816 (.pdf)

Here's a novel idea for those who have kids, and want those kids to be productive when exercising. Take your kids' tricycles, and weld a rotary mower to the back end! While it certainly makes sense to have a chain-driven mower with three wheels for stability, it's hard to imagine a five-year-old pedaling around and producing a well-kept lawn. It seems more likely that you would wind up with random paths of mowed grass with no particular sense of direction. But perhaps that's what the gardening world needs: more free-form manicuring! Now, if only it had an edge trimmer attached to one of the back wheels so that your five-year old could take a stab at the edging around the driveway... perhaps it would be better to just wait for an adult-size tricycle. Just imagine the looks of jealousy coming from your neighbors when you do the mowing with streamers hanging from the handlebars and a card taped to the front fork to achieve that distinguished motor sound! But if you'd rather have your kids do the work, just be sure that they wear helmets for safety and keep their feet free of the blades. And practice backing-up, too - otherwise, how will they trim up to the fence?