How to Split a Restaurant Check

U.S. Patent No. 7,457,767 (.pdf)

Issued yesterday (Nov. 25th), this is possibly the stupidest patent that I've seen in a while. And to think, this one was patented by IBM! Here's how it works (as so artfully shown in the flow chart - click the image to enlarge): you and your friends finish up a dinner at a restaurant, the waiter brings out the bill, and each person wants to pay separately. Everyone figures out how much of the total (plus gratuities!) they need to pay, and the waiter charges each person's credit card separately until the bill is paid. The end. Patent granted.

Why on earth would anyone ever want/allow this to be patented? The only reason that I can think of is that it's commentary from IBM's R&D department. Could it be that, with all the economic woes, they aren't paid enough and therefore have to split bar tabs? And come up with patently stupid patents like this one to meet their yearly quotas?

Pet Display Clothing

U.S. Patent No. 5,901,666 (.pdf)

Every hamster owner out there wants to take their hamster out for a walk in the park, but how do you do that? With an article of Pet Display Clothing, of course! Using soft, vinyl "pet receiving" tubing, you can make a vest that puts your hamster, rat, mouse or other rodent on display for everyone else at the park to marvel over. You could even wear your vest to a party and be all like "Yo, any gangstas wanna check out dis here HAMSTER?" Oh, you'll be all the rage!

Facial Muscle Conditioning Device

U.S. Patent No. 3,091,237 (.pdf)

I'm sharing this one more because of the drawing than anything else, but it is a prime example of a "medical" device that doesn't make much sense in its usefulness. But isn't that the case with most "Seen On TV" exercisers? This one is an inflatable balloon that you stick between your lips and teeth. Then you inflate it, and either massage your "facial muscles" with your fingers, or take the lazy route and just inflate/deflate over and over again. Supposedly it'll increase blood circulation and cure all of your self-image issues. Personally, I think the inventor was full of hot air and you'll just be wasting the low rate of $9.99 a month for the next two years.

Hands Free Towel Carrying System

U.S. Patent No. 6,718,554 (.pdf)

Another fine example of a Penetrating Glimpse of the Obvious. This invention is essentially just a towel with an elastic loop sewn into one end so that you can wear it around your neck while you work out, but somehow the attorneys in charge of writing up the description managed to crank out a mini-novel. If anything, it sounds a lot like the inventor sent some sample towels, and the legal firm that handled the patenting is run by a bunch of engineers who know absolutely nothing about sewing and thought that written diarrhea would take care of filling all the holes in their understanding. Like this, for example: the towel, they insist several times (many many times actually - at least four times on the first page of the description, another two times on the second, and here and there throughout the rest) serves the purpose of "coupling a towel to a user to prevent loss, theft and contamination".

Seriously, I think these guys need a Nobel prize in literature for stopping towel loss, theft and contamination in such an erudite manner.

Method of Exercising a Cat

U.S. Patent No. 5,443,036 (.pdf)

Here's a classic example of what my dad would call a PGO: a Penetrating Glimpse of the Obvious. If you've never thought of using a laser pointer as a cat toy then, well, you've probably never seen a laser pointer or a cat before. As the inventors so eruditely point out, cats like to chase moving lights, and laser pointers can be used as (oh my god!) moving lights. Put the two together aaaannnndddd... yeah, your cat runs around and gets some exercise. Try reading it twice if you need some time to wrap your head around the concepts at heart here - they're pretty deep.

And don't forget, the next time you try to make money off of teaching your friends to use a laser pointer to mess with their cats, a lawsuit sits right around the corner.

Glove for Holding Hands

U.K. Patent no. 2,221,607 (.pdf)

As it gets colder outside, this is the time of year that every couple encounters the age-old dilemma of how to hold hands during the winter. Do you leave your gloves on and pass the opportunity to truly touch your significant other's hand? Or do you take your gloves off, and follow up with a visit to the doctor to stop the frostbite?

OR... do you make sure to leave the house with one of these handy two-for-one gloves? Being the reasonable lover you are, the choice is obviously number three. Not only will your hands stay warm, but you'll walk palm-to-palm, feeling the warmth of bliss as the rest of your body slowly freezes.