Trash Can Chair

U.S. Patent No. 4,387,927 (.pdf)

The next time you need classy, waterproof outdoor seating just grab the nearest trash can and some metal shears. Well, maybe not all that classy, but given some embellishment it could be! This patent's directions are quite direct and to the point; everything is covered from what size can to use, what to cut and where, and how to keep the whole shebang together and padded for extra comfort. Perfect for a back-alley bistro.

Backup Shoelace Holder

U.S. Patent No. 3,529,367 (.pdf)

Don't let broken laces tie up your schedule: all you need is to carry one of these emergency shoelaces glued to the arch of every heeled shoe you wear and you'll be back on your feet within moments.

Combined Plow and Gun

U.S. Patent No. 35,600 (.pdf)

Plowing is hard work, particularly on the "border localities, subject to savage feuds and guerrilla warfare." But sleep peacefully, farmers, because with this plow you will no longer be robbed when "engaged in a peaceful avocation". And best of all, you can plow while it's loaded with live munitions! Fill it with black powder and buckshot, then hitch the oxen, plow away, and the next time those savages jump you just unhitch the oxen and fire at will. The bonus is the fact that your plow will already be stuck in the ground, giving it extra support.

I like to think of this as the farmer's cannon; just try to make sure that your oxen aren't at the receiving end when the shot rings 'round the field.

Combination Clothes Brush, Flask, Drinking Cup

U.S. Patent No. 490,964 (.pdf)

Designed for the distinguished businessman who likes his alcohol (and which ones don't?), a combination clothes brush, flask and drinking cup is described herein. Reading into the description a bit indicates that the desire was to make the flask slim enough that the block on the brush isn't oversized, which, in other words, means that you can't tell there's a flask on the brush. You can, therefore, freely sip your alcohol below the radar of, perhaps, your superiors. No wonder it's tradition nowadays for suits to go to work tipsy. At least their jackets look professional!

Money Cake

U.S. Patent No. 5,843,551 (.pdf)

Happy birthday to me! If you'd like to make me a cake, feel free to make this one. As for the currency inside, how about hundred dollar bills? That's not too much to ask, right?

Pat on the Back Apparatus

U.S. Patent No. 4,608,967 (.pdf)

Good job! You deserve a pat on the back for navigating to my blog. Oh, wait, can't reach your back? Well, here's a back-patter that will do the job for you! What's the use, you ask? According to the patent's description, "Such an arrangement may provide the needed psychological lift to allow a person to overcome some of the 'valleys' of emotional life in a highly technicalized society that often postpones the level of immediate personal approval desirable for continued accomplishment." There's something about that statement that stinks of hypocrisy - maybe that you're using technology to overcome the technicalized society? Or perhaps it's the idea of using a tool to do something so personal? Shouldn't you use yourself and nothing but yourself to congratulate yourself?

Eh, whatever, it's a novel invention, and the description is very well written; going into a plethora of descriptions of useful situations where a pat on the back is needed, and above all else why it's needed.