Flaming Trumpet

U.S. Patent No. 4,247,283 (.pdf)

Pyrotechnics are awesome when incorporated into a rock concert, as anyone who has been to a Kiss show can happily assert. Unfortunately they lack something: location. It's nice when they're shooting off behind the stage, or in front of the stage, but how about having them actually on the stage, in the middle of the band? Thanks to this wonderful invention, the necessary technology is finally here! It is, essentially, a gas cartridge rigged to emit from inside the bell of a trumpet (although it would work perfectly fine on any other instrument, for that matter) with a valve connected to control the gas emission, and a spark to light said gas on fire. Hit the final chord of a song, press the valve and presto! Instant flame thrower! Jazz just got hotter than ever before! Just make sure that the bell isn't pointed toward your stand; the chart for the next number (and probably the entire stand, too!) will turn into a pile of ash before you resolve the chord.

Ear Protectors

U.S. Patent No. 4,233,942 (.pdf)

With drawings a little too silly not to laugh at, this invention sets the bar for utilitarian creativity. Cleaning dog food out of your puppy's ears is always a hassle, so having a self-contained support system for keeping those droopy ears out of the food bowl saves a lot of time and frustration. The only difficulty raised, though, is making sure that your dog is wearing them every time they go to eat or drink. Or that they don't go crazy trying to get the plastic tubes off their head! In the end, a solution might require using Pavlov's good old bell technique to make your dog's eating habits regular enough so that you can be there to put the tubes on and take them off. Perhaps the process of using this invention is warrant of its own patent? Oh woe to the difficult of feeding long-eared dogs!

How to Conceal Partial Baldness

U.S. Patent No. 4,022,227 (.pdf)

There isn't all that much to be said about this patent; the ridiculousness of thinking that nobody before Mr. Smith had thought of combing hair over a bald spot to hide it puts this one into a category of its own. But who knows, perhaps there's some poor balding chap out there who has never seen a comb-over. Rest assured, thanks to fine-art diagrams and a very detailed description, you too can hide your shiny dome like a pro!

Electric Poison Extractor

U.S. Patent No. 606,887 (.pdf)

Feeling poisoned? Before you have your stomach pumped, try this on for size! All you need is a battery, a couple of wires, and a "receptor". What on earth, you ask, is a "receptor"? Pretty simple, really: it's just a piece of whatever you're poisoned with. In the case of the picture above, it's a copper sheet that our poor, sickly patient has his feet firmly placed on. It seems that he was poisoned with copper, so the logical way to get rid of that copper is to electrocute him for a couple of sessions lasting roughly 30 minutes. According to the inventor, Mr. Campbell, the copper will be collected by the sheet. If you're poisoned by a vegetable you'd put your feet on a similar vegetable connected to the battery rather than a sheet of copper. Bad meat? Use a slab of beef! How's that for some classic, do-it-yourself medicine?

Honestly, though, I really don't think you should try this one out. Poisons will be your last worry as you're electrocuted; this patent seems more like a way of killing yourself than getting rid of any bad juju.

Rowcycle

U.S. Patent No. 642,544 (.pdf)

Bicycling is good exercise. Rowing is good exercise, too, so how about combining the two? It might be a little difficult to balance (make that very difficult to balance), but if you've ever been in a rowing shell you'll understand what a fine art balancing between oarlocks is, regardless. Just stick the same idea on two wheels and... well, you have a uniquely strange mode of transportation. (A logical derivative that I'm a big fan of is the idea of a tandem rowcycle. Or maybe one with three or four seats? Takes the idea of a cycling team to a new level!)

Kit for Painting With A Baby's Posterior

U.S. Patent No. 6,022,219 (.pdf)

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a Pollock? No, it's the result of using an "infant's posterior" as a rubber stamp. Thanks to the inventive kit disclosed herein, you can now make a "remembrance that results in a fine art end product which is not easily recognized as merely a remembrance." If keeping track of your child's height, or making a clay mold of their footprints is too cliché, then use your baby's ass as a rubber stamp to make something that nobody will ever recognize as representing your kid! The instructions are quite detailed, enumerating everything from what paints work best, how old your infant can be, and even how to hold your infant with attention to whether or not they have neck strength. Follow the steps and voilá! You've got yourself a masterpiece. And an infant's posterior to clean up.

Teeth Exercising Device

U.S. Patent No. 1,466,559 (.pdf)

As is evident in the third paragraph of this invention, some people aren't very happy with cooked foods. In particular, the inventor of this device has issues with the fact that cooking softens food. Our teeth are, therefore, weak from the lack of chewing exercise. If anything, Mr. Purdy wasn't particularly interested in eating crackers or anything else that needs chewing. Instead, he posits that we should be using bite-contoured plates attached to springs which are then attached to either a wall or another person's bite-plate. Employing a regimen of short jerking motions, our teeth will become so strong that we will once again be able to tear through sheet metal, bricks or stone. (Well, he doesn't say anything about metal, bricks or stone, but he does sound very convinced that, assuming that your partner or the wall doesn't tear your teeth out of your head, the process of masticating will be rejuvenated to its natural, thrilling roots.)

Instant Face Lift

U.S. Patent No. 4,995,379 (.pdf)

Heralded as "more natural looking, more comfortable to wear", it's amazing that this device hasn't put the "Nip/Tuck" TV show out of business. Who needs knives and doctors when all it takes is straps with adhesive tabs at the ends to stretch your face like saran wrap? Unfortunately, there are no details as to what adhesive to use. Perhaps super glue would come in handy? By the time the straps fall off, your face would be tighter than a drum! The only difficulty of holding your face back with straps, though, would be explaining your slightly Frankenstein-ian look when you're on a date.

Fire Escape Parachute

U.S. Patent No. 221,855 (.pdf)

Fire escape apparatuses don't get much more creative ridiculous than this one. Guaranteed to work from "any height", you won't have to waste time by running down the stairs any more - even if you're only on the second floor. All you need to do is strap this parachute (which is reinforced with a metal ring around the top and therefore will stay open no matter what) to your head and put on the special overshoes with extra++ rubber soles for bounce. Then, throw yourself out of the window, and rest assured that the four- to five-foot diameter parachute will catch your fall and set you gently on your bouncy feet. And then come crashing down around you - if it hasn't already - thanks to the huge metal parachute opening ring. Brilliant, eh?

Unforgettable Umbrella Method

U.S. Patent No. 4,887,543 (.pdf)

The world is a pretty forgetful place. We all leave our keys, our wallets and our umbrellas at restaurants every once in a while. Thanks to this patent, you'll never forget your umbrella again. Don't worry, it isn't a very difficult method, particularly after you've read the description that goes into exquisite detail. Of course, it does feel something like a reinvention of the wheel: in the end, the method described so carefully is just a coat check for umbrellas, to be used at the door of a restaurant/club/your house. The host takes your umbrella, gives you a keychain to be attached to your keys (which, of course, you'll never forget!) so that, should you forget about your umbrella, you know where to go to claim it when you go to unlock your car. Whew, now we can all sleep soundly without having to worry about getting our fancy dinner clothes any wetter in the rain!

Beerbrella

U.S. Patent No. 6,637,447 (.pdf)

As the weather gets warmer, what could be more important than keeping your beer cool? When it's sunny outside, just a minute in the rays from above could make your beer flatter than Kansas. Thanks to this portable, miniature umbrella with a handy attachment system, you can keep your brews as cold as ice. Without any ice!

Greenhouse Helmet

U.S. Patent No. 4,605,000 (.pdf)

Greenhouses teeming with plants are always enjoyable to be inside, and healthy, too! Thanks to the wonders of plant life, carbon dioxide is converted to oxygen, which, when breathed by a person is converted back into carbon dioxide. The cycle is endless. Now, wouldn't it be wonderful to have a portable greenhouse that you could stick your head inside whenever you needed some oxygen? Thanks to the greenhouse helmet, you can carry a greenhouse wherever you go. Surround yourself with greenery whenever the world becomes grey, drab and short on oxygen. Please note, however, that this helmet is not intended for use on a motorcycle. If you were to crash, you might wind up with a cactus in your eye.

Baby Patting Machine

U.S. Patent No. 3,552,388 (.pdf)

Here's an excellent solution to the age-old problem of putting a baby to sleep. Best of all, it requires absolutely no work from the parents! All that you have to do is put your baby face-down in their crib and plug in the patter. Then you can go off to the bar and get trashed. You no longer have to worry about having a tired, cranky child waiting for you when you drag your wasted, lazy ass back home at 3am! Since the padded mitt will keep on rotating until you unplug it, your baby will be patted (or, if the motor's too strong, beaten) right back to sleep should they ever wake up during the night.

Unfortunately, though, this patent makes no effort to answer the question as to what happens if the baby turns around in the crib. It seems like the patting machine would, in such a case, turn into an automatic head whacker. What a great way to beat some sense into your kids without feeling any moral qualms, because you're not the one doing it!

Molded Fruit

U.S. Patent No. 4,827,666 (.pdf)

Not to be confused with the molding fruit that has been sitting at the back of your fridge for a month, here's a patent that discloses, in great detail, the process of making and using a mold to shape fruit into unique shapes. Unique as in a zucchini shaped like Clark Gable, complete with a mustache. Thanks to a very witty and well-written description done by a gardener who has obviously spent a lot of time developing a fruity sleight-of-hand, you too can chop Clark Gable up and put him into a salad if you follow the instructions. All it will take is an injection-molded sheet of transparent, ultraviolet stabilized butyrate - but hey, if you can grow a zucchini, surely you can figure out injection-molding, too.

Greyhound Saddle

U.S. Patent No. 1,926,420 (.pdf)

Technology has always had an eye toward miniaturization, and here's a good example. Just imagine miniature horse racing with miniature jockeys! The only problem is that miniature race horses aren't all that small. Fortunately, there's already a substitute that has proved its raciness: the greyhound. But what jockey is small enough to ride a greyhound? Aside from putting ads out looking for midgets under two feet tall who weigh less than 50 lbs., there's only one other option: monkeys! Just put your monkey in a jacket and a racing cap, pop him/her into this specialized harness, and voila! The Kentucky derby just became small enough to take home in a minivan.

A nice bonus is that your dog will probably be scared shitless of the monkey strapped to his back and will, therefore, run ten times faster.

Tricycle Lawnmower

U.S. Patent No. 4,455,816 (.pdf)

Here's a novel idea for those who have kids, and want those kids to be productive when exercising. Take your kids' tricycles, and weld a rotary mower to the back end! While it certainly makes sense to have a chain-driven mower with three wheels for stability, it's hard to imagine a five-year-old pedaling around and producing a well-kept lawn. It seems more likely that you would wind up with random paths of mowed grass with no particular sense of direction. But perhaps that's what the gardening world needs: more free-form manicuring! Now, if only it had an edge trimmer attached to one of the back wheels so that your five-year old could take a stab at the edging around the driveway... perhaps it would be better to just wait for an adult-size tricycle. Just imagine the looks of jealousy coming from your neighbors when you do the mowing with streamers hanging from the handlebars and a card taped to the front fork to achieve that distinguished motor sound! But if you'd rather have your kids do the work, just be sure that they wear helmets for safety and keep their feet free of the blades. And practice backing-up, too - otherwise, how will they trim up to the fence?