U.S. Patent No. 3,552,388 (.pdf)Here's an excellent solution to the age-old problem of putting a baby to sleep. Best of all, it requires absolutely no work from the parents! All that you have to do is put your baby face-down in their crib and plug in the patter. Then you can go off to the bar and get trashed. You no longer have to worry about having a tired, cranky child waiting for you when you drag your wasted, lazy ass back home at 3am! Since the padded mitt will keep on rotating until you unplug it, your baby will be patted (or, if the motor's too strong, beaten) right back to sleep should they ever wake up during the night.
Unfortunately, though, this patent makes no effort to answer the question as to what happens if the baby turns around in the crib. It seems like the patting machine would, in such a case, turn into an automatic head whacker. What a great way to beat some sense into your kids without feeling any moral qualms, because you're not the one doing it!
